Not that I’m a whinger but I do love sending a good letter of complaint.

Posted: December 1, 2011 in complaints

Dear BBC One.

Why oh why was I watching TV the other night? I pay my license fee so I feel I have ever right to do so but what I saw was indisputably one of the worst programmes I think I have ever been unfortunate enough to witness. (& I’ve been unemployed, I’ve seen Doctors!)

Of course I’m talking about “That’s Britain!” I found it to be ham fisted, trite, moronic, patronising and condescending all at the same time. Quite an accomplishment, even for Nick Knowles! Seriously, Ade Edmondson looking at how electricity’s made? Surely he need look no further than the tomb of Lord Reith, I’m assuming the whole affair was powered by hooking his rapidly spinning remains to a generator? If not you’ve missed a money saving trick there for sure. At least in that case Julia Bradbury’s leering mug would offer value for money, I appreciate that financial constraints prevent you employing some-one with telegenic appeal so that at least can be forgiven.

While my cat, Beezer, continues to leave better television formats waiting in his litter tray each day (and that poor blighter is currently suffering from a case of worms) Edmondson is on the trail of a letter. Is it his resignation or a suicide note? Perhaps a simple letter apology would be enough so long as there was also a promise never to do it again.

Honestly, if I wanted to watch two ill-informed, opinionated talentless hot air machines in front of a wall with random words written upon it I’d go to the park to look at some graffiti on the wall of the public toilet (clearly the most appropriate wall for this kind of meretricious pap) and then spark up a conversation with a couple of the hand dryers and street drinkers down there. At least there would be the chance of catching sight of a squirrel or a pigeon by way of relief from the meaningless drivel that come out of the heads of Knowles and Bradbury spurred on by people with so much time on their hands that they can actually be bothered to tweet in and add their two pence worth to the ‘debate.’

That’s not Britain. Britain demands more.

It may suit you to treat Britons like mindless zombies who you can dole this detritus out to while you sink your hands into our pockets (and you don’t even give us the fleeting joy of a reach around)  but the only thing that zombies want to satisfy them is brains so lets start seeing some, please! I thought when Adrian Child and Christine Bleakly chipped to the other side things would pick up, considering how hard it would be to get much worse but you, in your desperate race to utter mediocrity, managed it. And managed it with aplomb!

If you really want to know what Britain is, it’s Charlie Brooker, Victoria Coren , Benjamin Zephaniah, and Damien Hurst. It’s Will Self, John Snow, Jonathan Dimbleby and Stephanie Flanders. It’s not DVD shifting comedians playing at being milkmen and posties in order to enlighten us as to what a hard job they do so please, stop pretending that it is and try, do please try to find just one good idea. (Beezer is always available for consultation if needs be.)

Dan Cash

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